Airplane Fabric-Bomb Plot Thwarted, Airport Security Procedures Tightened

BREAKING NEWS: [-parody-]

SEVERAL ARRESTS TODAY, AS THE JUSTICE DEPT. BUSTED A NEL QUEDA PLOT, THIS ONE INVOLVING DOMESTIC-FLIGHTS TO STATES WITH CITIES. THE TERRO'ISTS PLANNED TO USE C4 PLASTIQUE THREADS WOVEN INTO EVERYDAY FABRICS... THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION CREDITS DOMESTIC-WIRETAPPING AND TORTURE, AND ASSURED THE PUBLIC THAT THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION HAD "PROTECTED THEM..."

PRESS RELEASE: T.S.A. / HOMELAND SECURITY ANNOUNCES NEW DOMESTIC TRAVEL RULES, SECURITY PROCEDURES:
FOLLOWING THE USUAL SCREENING/SECURITY-CHECKS, TICKETED PASSENGERS WILL BE ASKED TO DISROBE COMPLETELY AT THE GATE, AT WHICH TIME EACH PASSENGER WILL BE ISSUED A TSA "FLIGHT PARKA" (ONE SIZE FITS ALL). THE MANDATORY YELLOW PAPER-LIKE PARKAS WILL BE WORN BY ALL AIR-TRAVELERS TO THEIR DESTINATION, AND SINCE THEY WON'T BE GETTING THEIR CLOTHES BACK, THEY CAN KEEP THE NAPKIN... HAVE A NICE DAY!